Negotiating
Setting The Climate For A Non-Confrontational Negotiation
By Roger Dawson
Mar 2, 2004, 15:25

What
you say in the first few moments of a negotiation often sets
the climate of the negotiation. The other person quickly gets
a feel for whether you are working for a win-win solution, or
whether you're a tough negotiator who's out for everything they
can get.

That's one
problem that I have with the way that attorneys negotiate-they're
very confrontational negotiators. You get that white envelope
in the mail with black, raised lettering in the top left hand
corner and you think, "Oh, no! What is it this time?"
You open the letter and what's the first communication from
them? It's a threat. What they're going to do to you, if you
don't give them what they want.

I remember
conducting a seminar for 50 attorneys who litigated medical
malpractice lawsuits, or as they prefer to call them, physician
liability lawsuits. I've never met an attorney who was eager
to go to a negotiating seminar, although that's what they do
for a living, and these people were no exception to the rule.
However, the organization that was giving the attorneys their
business told them that they were expected to attend my seminar
if they wanted to get any more cases from the organization.
So the attorneys weren't too happy about having to spend Saturday
with me in the first place, but once we got started, they became
involved and were having a good time. I got them absorbed in
a workshop involving a surgeon being sued over an unfortunate
incident involving a nun and walked around the room to see how
they were doing. I couldn't believe how confrontational they
were being. Most of them started with a vicious threat and then
became more abusive from that point on. I had to stop the exercise
and tell them that if they wanted to settle the case without
expensive litigation (and I doubted their motives on that score)
that they should never be confrontational in the early stages
of the negotiation.

So, be careful
what you say at the beginning. If the other person takes a position
with which you totally disagree, don't argue. Arguing always
intensifies the other person's desire to prove himself or herself
right. You're much better off to agree with the other person
initially and then turn it around using the Feel, Felt, Found
formula. Respond with, "I understand exactly how you feel
about that. Many other people have felt exactly the same way
as you do right now. (Now you have diffused that competitive
spirit. You're not arguing with them, you're agreeing with them.)
But you know what we have always found? When we take a closer
look at it, we have always found that . ."

Let's look
at some examples:

• 
  
  
  

  
  You're selling something, and the other person says, "Your
  price is way too high." If you argue with him, he has
  a personal stake in proving you wrong and himself right. Instead,
  you say, "I understand exactly how you feel about that.
  Many other people have felt exactly the same way as you do
  when they first hear the price. When they take a closer look
  at what we offer, however, they have always found that we
  offer the best value in the marketplace."

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  You're
  applying for a job, and the human resources director says,
  "I don't think you have enough experience in this field."
  If you respond with "I've handled much tougher jobs that
  this in the past," it may come across as, "I'm right
  and you're wrong." It's just going to force her to defend
  the position she's taken. Instead, say, "I understand
  exactly how you feel about that. Many other people would feel
  exactly the same way as you do right now. However, there are
  some remarkable similarities between the work I've been doing
  and what you're looking for that are not immediately apparent.
  Let me tell you what they are."

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  If you're a salesperson and the buyer says, "I hear that
  you people have problems in your shipping department,"
  arguing with him will make him doubt your objectivity. Instead,
  say, "I understand how you could have heard that because
  I've heard it too. I think that rumor may have started a few
  years ago when we relocated our warehouse; but now major companies
  such as General Motors and General Electric trust us with
  their just-in-time inventories, and we never have a problem."

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  If
  the other person says, "I don't believe in buying from
  off-shore suppliers. I think we should keep the jobs in this
  country," the more you argue the more you'll force him
  into defending his position. Instead, say, "I understand
  exactly how you feel about that, because these days many other
  people feel exactly the same way as you do. But do you know
  what we have found? Since we have been having the initial
  assembly done in Thailand, we have actually been able to increase
  our American work force by more than 42 percent and this is
  why . . ."

  
  
  
  

• 
  
  
  

  Don't
  argue with people in the early stages of the negotiation because
  it creates confrontation.

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  
  Use the Feel, Felt, Found formula to turn the hostility around.

  
  
  
  


• 
  
  
  

  Having
  Feel, Felt, Found in the back of your mind gives you time
  to think when the other side throws some unexpected hostility
  your way.